Saturday, May 5, 2012


There are times that I wish things were "easy" - less complex... Dealing with trauma is difficult, but when you add a whole other layer of difficulty and complexity to the mix, it seems to become almost impossible. One step forward, two  twenty steps back! I make progress (in my mind) and the next time I turn around, I am even further behind than when I had started.

A friend once told me that it is like the layers of an onion - layer by layer you peel away the emotions and memories until finally in the end - you dont have a huge, solid onion - you have paper thin layers. You will shed tears along the way - but in the end - it's over and done. I'm not sure which layer of the onion I am on at this point. I think my onion is regrowing new layers!!!!

My rape (HOLY CRAP - I can't believe I just called it that - blech ...) was least to me. Even now, trying to process it is difficult. I don't see it like others do. I see it as a movie - complete with graphic and horrifying images and scenes. Even when I read what I have written about that night - I still can't get through it in one sitting without the movie becoming too intense in my head. Will it always be like that?

Yesterday in therapy I mentioned that I wish I had experienced a normal rape. A quick "in and out" - wham bam thank you ma'am - and the end. I don't know how to process all that "my" rape was. There are so many levels to its intensity that I almost can't process it. I get so mad that it happened at all - then I immediately feel stupid. Stupid that I allowed it and stupid that I (at times) participated. I am SOOOOOO not looking forward to sorting though the layers, but I know I need to.  It's time.  I trust my therapist - I just wish I had a hand to hold through it. ......

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