Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Lucky One?

Am I lucky? Wait .. let me back up.

Most people who are raped don't have to see their rapist - ever again. They survive that one night of hell and he disappears into the night leaving the victim with a "larger than life" memory of himself.

For a long time I thought of him that way. I was terrified of him and the thought of him. Until recently, I had not seen him in 10 years.

At the moment I least expected it - as I thought he was far from my reality - he made his appearance and shook my world to the core. He needed to know he still had power over me - and he did. I crumbled under his gaze and his fingertips. The same familiar evil smile crossed his lips and he knew that he still owned me ... as much as he could.

Then something strange happened. The more he came around to intimidate me - the less he did. I began to realize that he is not the larger than life monster that I remember. He is a normal person - someone I can stand up to and someone I can beat. After his many appearances, he became a nobody to me ... a pest ... someone I was ready to dismiss away.

Time has passed and he has not made an appearance in my life recently. I don't know if he is bored - or I challenged him and won - or if he is just waiting ... but whatever it is - I don't care. I am the lucky one who got to face my rapist - no police - no court - no hospitals - just he and I - and walked away victorious.  He is an asshole - and that is all.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Changing Perspective

Things seems to influence my frame of mine constantly these days. Anything as simple as a new saying from a friend to a new sultry book ... it's ever changing.

What happened to me what disgusting - there is no "but" to this statement. With that being said ... I often find myself questioning my actions and reactions.

I am reading the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" and am completely hypnotized by both Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. Her naive innocence reminds me of mine at that age - untouched and "vanilla". Christian Grey - the dominant, seductive, control freak that he is, fits the asshole to a T. The charming sweet side of him, completely captivating Miss Steele - her hunger for him and her desire to be what he wants her to be seems to be outlining the shadow that was once me. The darker side of Grey that emerges when placed inside his "Red room of pain/pleasure" stirs the uncertainty inside me and I watch the asshole emerge --- even so far as to accept 6 beatings with a belt ... all too familiar in my world of the asshole. Her explosion - her raw emotions - her lust for the sweet side of the man she and so many others have pined after.
What if I was this naive? She willingly took the beating just to please the sweet man she loved. Is that what I did? I have always thought I was completely innocent in all of the events that transpired that night - I didn't want it - but I didn't run either.

I willingly fell into the arms of the sweet man - and therefore accepted the asshole as part of the package. Is my view on this skewed? I am left with so many MORE unanswered questions and not enough energy to process and sift through the ashes to find an answer.

The entire view has changed - what if I was at fault? What if I allowed it? What if I, too, forgot the "safeword" and could have ended it at any moment ...