Things seems to influence my frame of mine constantly these days. Anything as simple as a new saying from a friend to a new sultry book ... it's ever changing.
What happened to me what disgusting - there is no "but" to this statement. With that being said ... I often find myself questioning my actions and reactions.
I am reading the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" and am completely hypnotized by both Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. Her naive innocence reminds me of mine at that age - untouched and "vanilla". Christian Grey - the dominant, seductive, control freak that he is, fits the asshole to a T. The charming sweet side of him, completely captivating Miss Steele - her hunger for him and her desire to be what he wants her to be seems to be outlining the shadow that was once me. The darker side of Grey that emerges when placed inside his "Red room of pain/pleasure" stirs the uncertainty inside me and I watch the asshole emerge --- even so far as to accept 6 beatings with a belt ... all too familiar in my world of the asshole. Her explosion - her raw emotions - her lust for the sweet side of the man she and so many others have pined after.
What if I was this naive? She willingly took the beating just to please the sweet man she loved. Is that what I did? I have always thought I was completely innocent in all of the events that transpired that night - I didn't want it - but I didn't run either.
I willingly fell into the arms of the sweet man - and therefore accepted the asshole as part of the package. Is my view on this skewed? I am left with so many MORE unanswered questions and not enough energy to process and sift through the ashes to find an answer.
The entire view has changed - what if I was at fault? What if I allowed it? What if I, too, forgot the "safeword" and could have ended it at any moment ...