They say that acceptance is the final step. To me that seems so defeating - how can you work toward the final goal/acceptance when I cannot fathom how I could ever "accept" what has happened to me? I'm going to work toward the goal of accepting that I am a survivor - NOT accepting I was molested and raped. Two stories - two different people - one crushed spirit over and over.
Someone once told me "talking is power" ... so this is my way of talking - at least right now. I don't know if I feel protected in this environment or vulnerable. Quite possibly both! There is something completely freeing in sharing your story - a kind of release that feels so incredible, there is nothing like it. As the pendulum swings in the opposite direction, there is also something completely terrifying in sharing your story - open to judgement and introducing someone into your own personal hell. A place that you wish would burn to a crispy pile of ashes and cease to exist - a place all survivor's know too well.
I don't want anyone reading this to think that I feel like I have the answers. It's absolutely the opposite!!! If anything - this should be a "How NOT to handle" example! I have been lucky that the right people have been in my life at the right time, whether I knew I needed them or not. My biggest piece of advice to anyone handling any type of trauma or abuse - deal with it now - it sucks sifting through 10 years of dusty boxes and locked away emotions.
Sharing my story is something that I have just recently been able do. It only took me 10 years to release ANY details of that night. She is my mirror - a reflection of me in her, and her in me - and although I hate that she knows pain as I do, I find comfort in knowing I have a hand to hold when I need it.
So, a little about me ... I am your average girl woman. Looking at me, there is nothing special. I wasn't the stunning prom queen or center of attention. I am the oldest child of three and have always been the caretaker. When you look up "People-Pleaser" in the dictionary - that picture you see - yep that's me. Sacrificing myself for anyone and anything - and even now as an adult, I tend to put others first, me second. I am also very determined - I am a fighter - I am a survivor - I am NOT a victim.
Maybe that is part of the reason for this mental vomiting blog. A way for me to put my feelings and thoughts and experiences out into the eternal abyss of the internet world - maybe they are read and nurtured - maybe they float around in the endless sea of binary codes... Maybe this is how I can continue to heal from all of this. Someone needs to create a workbook to follow - one that I could pick up, start beginning to end completing the questions with my own insightful answers, and after my 8 week course on "Overcoming the Assholes that step into your life" I would magically be healed. The fires of my hell would be extinguished and all would live Happily Ever After ... The End... Well - all except for the bad guy...
I want to heal. I want to be able to feel settled when I reflect on that night. I am determined to do the work it takes to survive - .but in saying that, I am one of those people that once I make up my mind to do something - I am going all out, even if it kills me. Balls to the wall - sink or swim - here I go...Because after all - survival is a lot of work.