I've been hearing and thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. Whether people who have experienced rape or abuse are capable of forgiving their abuser is even possible? How do you forgive someone who knew better? Someone who was calculated and planned out every detail - even someone who went as far as to "practice" on others.
I was not the first person the asshole raped - far from it. I am sure there were many more after me - and there are days I feel guilty for those - but I did what was best for me after the attack. For that, I do (on most days) forgive myself for not reporting him.
Knowing I was not the first or last person the asshole raped - how do I even begin to forgive him? He knew what he was doing - calculated every detail - and ripped me apart. He left satisfied and I was left bleeding, sore, scared and numb ... among many other things. How do I forgive that?
How do I forgive the things he did and said? I was humiliated and broken. He was powerful and demanding and cruel. I don't forgive him ... not now, not ever.