Tuesday, April 24, 2012

To delete or not to delete ...

Ever since posting the details of that night, I am often feeling the urge to sign back in to my blog, edit and/or delete that post, and carry on. I am proud of myself for NOT doing so. I promised myself that when I started this, I would be completely open and brutally honest with myself. My own personal online journal where I can just be the "me" that is in my head instead of the pretend "me" wearing the many masks that I have in my closet.

11 years later - I still struggle with reading those details. I still can't make it though the entire thing in one sitting. I have let 3 people read these details in my entire life ... one of which is my therapist ... and one my mirror. I cannot help the shame that I carry around - although my brain understands that it was not my fault; that I could not have prevented it; that he knew what the night would hold even before he rang my doorbell. How could I have been so naive? So stupid? So trusting???

 That seems to be my biggest fault in life - I am too trusting - which is odd considering my past.  Even with friendships, I pour myself into them, jumping head first when I truly trust someone - and the moment they hesitate - I bolt. I don't know why so many aspects of my life are affected by this. I don't want to be hurt - so if I think you are going to hurt me, I beat you to the punch. Even now with my mirror, I feel abandoned ... My heart knows she is probably just busy - but my head is saying - Slam the door and run...

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