I have always had a hard time talking about things - and still do. Who would want to listen to someone go on and on about the trials they have been through in their life? We have all been through garbage, and if you are reading this, you have come out the other side. Whether it’s bruised and scarred or completely unscathed, it’s a remarkable feeling when you step back and realize that you did it. You went into hell and came out the other side… but at what cost?
That has always been my question to myself. Six hours isn’t a very long time in the scheme of things. Most people sleep more than 6 hours in a night. We usually work more than six hours on any given day. So six hours isn’t much … but when you are face to face with a demon, six hours is an eternity.
So why is six hours taking me 11 years to get through and still going? It took me a long time piece together the events of that night. It took me even longer to put those events into words. Immediately following that night - I told 2 people what happened - just that I had been raped ... I thought. One told me to sweep it under the rug and get past it - the other told me that it was a serious accusation and many girls who choose to have sex for the first time end up regretting it and call it rape. I'm pretty sure that I was raped - battered and bruised - ... yep.
Did I want it?
Maybe being hurt and violated as a child made the entire thing seem less of an issue than it really was. I NEVER contemplated calling the police - he was the police. I obeyed and did as he instructed - still to this day not completely understanding why or how I could just do it. I still get disgusted that I willingly participated in pieces of that night - whether it was truly willingly or not. He told me over and over that night how much I wanted it ... I participated in parts - deep down, did I enjoy it???? That part goes back to that "forgiveness" piece - I still wish I had fought harder or been smarter. Really - how does this happen to someone twice? Losing your virginity unwillingly as a child - and again as an adult - no sexual partners in between. It makes me tired to think about this ... I feel my brain shut down. I'm sure I need to talk about this more openly and deeply in therapy - it's easy to talk about it from someone else's perspective and not own the feelings and memories. It was a movie I saw - a bad, terrible movie that leaves that awful feeling under your skin when you walk out of the theater - but that feeling goes away with time. This will too - Its only been 11 years ...